


there’s no need to run and hide (when the world leaves a scar) (ON HOLD)

by da_pimp_is_ere



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: 2014 boys, Angst, Eating Disorders, F/M, Harry Has An Eating Disorder, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Just angst and sadness, No Smut, Panic Attacks, Sad, Sad Harry, Self-Harm, Sexual Abuse, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts, Where We Are Tour, it'll be a good ending i promise, louis is a new artist, simon cowell is basically the devil
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:47:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27277492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/da_pimp_is_ere/pseuds/da_pimp_is_ere
Summary: Louis joins the biggest boy band of the decade, One Direction, on tour after his newfound success. Louis' ecstatic except for the fact that Harry Styles despises him and wants nothing to do with him. The boys claim that he's been through a lot but Louis can't stand Harry's cold demeanor. He prays that he can tear down the walls that Harry has built but it might be too late.tw // sexual assault, panic attacks, eating disorders, self-harm
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 5
Kudos: 63





	1. can i be electric too?

**Author's Note:**

> FIRST CHAPTER! This idea literally came to me like 3 hours ago and here we are. I hope you enjoy and I will be trying to update everyday.  
> There is no trigger warnings for this chapter but will be for ones in the future.

Louis was making his way down the red carpet. He had done this only a couple of times but today was even more nerve-racking then the others. He had been nominated for a Grammy-Best New Artist to be specific-and he was absolutely terrified. Last year at this time he would’ve never expected to be this close to major stardom, it all felt like a dream.  
He had finally reached the end of the carpet and met back up with his manager, Greg, who told him that he couldn’t go to his seat yet. This made Louis even more nervous, he just needed to sit down, maybe see if he could find a drink, and prepare himself for what might be the peak of his career. But little does he know, it’s only the beginning.  
While Louis was standing waiting to be led to his seat, he was meeting or catching up with some celebrities that he either doesn’t remember the names of or who he is a massive fan of. He quickly checked his phone and for the one minute that he had his head down, he heard someone saying his name.

“Oi, is that Louis Tomlinson?” An overly excited Irish voice said. He was accompanied by 3 other young men, all of which were ridiculously beautiful.

Louis looked up and saw the Irish lad walking over to him with a huge smile. Louis recognized him as Niall Horan and the group as One Direction. He had only ever met Niall and Liam once at a party a couple months back. Louis was surprised they even remembered him.

“Niall!” Louis said back and brought the artificially blonde lad into a hug. “How’ve you been?”

“How’ve I been? Your the one who’s nominated for a Grammy in his first year of his career.” This caused Louis to laugh and blush a little. 

“This is Zayn and Harry, by the way.” Liam chirped in and Louis shook his hand and Zayn’s. As he went to shake Harry’s, he saw the curly haired boy roll his eyes and not return the favor. Louis just huffed and went back to talking with Niall, with the ocasional comment from Liam or Zayn. But Harry remained quiet and annoyed until finally they were being led to their seats. Louis just happened to be in the row in front of the boys and continued the conversation until the show started. Niall was a talkative and friendly guy, making it easy to talk to him. Zayn was timid but funny and Louis became quite fond of him. Soon though, the announcer said that the show was starting soon and Louis quickly turned back around and felt his nerves set in once again. His life was about to change, tremendously.

Louis had won the award-which came as no surprise with anyone with a brain-and was over-the-moon. The boys congratulated him while they were back stage getting ready for their performance. He seriously couldn’t stop smiling. 

“You should come to the after-party we’re throwing. It’s going to be wicked!” Niall asked Louis. This made the Doncaster man smile even wider.

“How could I ever turn down a party with Niall and Liam. Last time was quite the show.” Louis smirked at Liam and he just rolled his eyes and blushed. 

“I normally can keep my alcohol down, I swear.” Liam defended just causing Niall to spit out a huge laugh. They continued to pointless banter, exchanging phone numbers somewhere in the midst of it, until Zayn came breathlessly running towards the group.

“Woah, Z, calm down.” Liam said, putting his hands on the raven haired boys shoulders. He seemed frantic and nervous.

“Have you seen Harry?” Zayn practically yelled and this caused Liam to become worried.

“No, I thought you guys were chilling in the green room.” Liam anxiously said. Harry tended to run off before performances and never for a good reason.

“That bloody bastard,” Zayn kicked the trash can that was beside him and ran his hands down his face. “He said he was going to the loo and right back with you guys.”

“5 minutes.” Some backstage employee shouted at the group. They were the closing performance, hence why Louis was still back stage and not in his seat, he wouldn’t be missing much.

“He’s probably in the bathroom.” Louis suggested having no idea why they were freaking out, him thinking that by the looks of Harry, he was probably snorting coke somewhere.

“God, Fuck.” Zayn whispered and then ran in the direction of the bathroom. Zayn knew that if he was in the bathroom this close to performance, something was wrong. Sure Harry liked to be by himself and wonder, but he knew to always be on time. He couldn’t afford being late.

About 2 minutes later, Zayn appeared, dragging Harry along with him. Harry look disheveled and his eyes were red and puffy. Louis looked at him quizzically but when Harry saw the stare, he just flipped him off, following Zayn to get his ear-ins. Niall was whispering to Liam and Louis just stood awkwardly, not knowing if he should leave them alone or not. But before he could move, the boys were being hauled into their positions on stage. Louis was standing in the wings and silently admiring the group. They were so successful and talented, he wished sometimes he could be in their band. He sighed and just watched their performance, not knowing that he would soon be just like them.

2 weeks later and Louis was doing a photoshoot for new promo and a potential album cover. He was still in the midst of writing his new album, only having singles out at the moment. He wasn’t stressed though, because his deadline for all the songs was in June which was months away. He had been struggling to find inspiration. He didn’t want to write about anything cliche, he needed to keep pushing himself and thinking out of the box, knowing that would be the only way to keeping rising.

Greg rushed into the room of the shoot and was looking beyond excited. He waited for Louis to get a break and then rushed over to him.

“I just got off the phone, and you won’t believe what I set you up with.” Greg said and Louis got nervous butterflies in his stomach. Last time Greg ran in with this much excitement, Louis had just been nominated for the Grammy’s. Louis had not a clue in the world what Greg could of possibly scheduled, but it was obviously important.

“Well, tell me you fool, and quit looking at me like an excited puppy.” Louis laughed out. Louis and Greg were practically brothers. Greg was young, only 3 years older than Louis who had just turned 22. He was smart and business-like, but he listened and had Louis’ best interest at heart. He had allowed him to come out, to have control of his social media, to not have to deal with stunt relationships. Louis was lucky to have those privileges because even though he had only learned about it recently, he knew a lot of artists in his position weren’t as fortunate.

“I just booked you as the opening act for One Direction’s world tour!” Greg said, with so much excitement and pride in his voice, Louis swore he might have been more excited than him.

“What? No, you’ve got to be fucking with me.” Louis was in shock. He had been wanting to go on tour since his career took off. He had told Greg to take any opportunity that arose, just wanting to feel the adrenaline he endured while on stage.

“Nope, the tour starts at the end of April in Colombia.” Louis couldn’t believe it. One Direction was without a doubt the biggest boy band in the world, currently, and he was going to be going on a STADIUM tour with them.

“But why would the pick me? I’m not that big yet.” Louis asked, confused.

“Are you kidding me, they love you! Apparently the lads were looking for an opening act and once they met you at the Grammy’s, they would not stop suggesting you. And plus with you coming off of a huge win, more fans will be drawn in. This is an amazing opportunity to get you even more known.” Greg was right, the boys loved Louis. They had connected with him great, minus Harry, and his style and music matched well with the boys’.

“Well, I would be actually mental if I said no,” Louis exasperated, “so sign me the fuck up!” Greg just grinned wider and soon Louis was being called over again to finish the shoot. Man, life just keeps getting better and better, Louis thought.

The tour was still over a month away but they were already starting rehearsals. Louis was scheduled for his first rehearsal with the boys today and although there would be no crowd, he still was nervous. Luke, his bodyguard, was driving him and Greg to the stadium. They were rehearing in Wembley, since it was a stadium they would be playing in well into the tour. Louis had only every done small shows in tiny venues and even that made him nervous. He wasn’t sure how he was going to perform in a stadium.  
Finally, they were dropped off and rushed inside. Word had gotten out about rehearsal and there was a crowd of girls outside of the stadium. That was something Louis was still getting used to; the fans. His came in smaller amounts and less crazy but he knew that Directioners were insane. I guess he would have to get used to it.

The two walked down a long hallway that was underneath the stadium. Greg was coming to discuss matters with the boys’ management. He soon found the room he was supposed to meet in and waved to Louis. Not long after, Niall was spotted. He seemed to be riding a scooter, which made Louis laugh. Only, Niall.

“Louis!” Niall quickly scooted over to him. The boy was in sweatpants and a tank top, despite in being freezing outside. 

“Nialler! How are you?” Louis smiled and Niall got off the scooter and gave him a hug. He started walking and Louis figured they were going to meet with the other boys.

“I’m awesome, I can’t wait for you to be on tour with us.” Niall smiled his bright smile and Louis knew that he was going to be safe with these guys as his friends. “Also, don’t tell him I told you, but Zayn is even more excited than I am.”

“That seems impossible.” Louis said and gave Niall a playful look. “Do you like down an energy drink every hour?”

“Nope, I was born with this energy.” Louis rolled his eyes. They arrived at a door that seemed to be a dressing room. Niall barged in, announcing that Louis had arrived which made Louis laugh. The room was extremely hot and was disgustingly plain. There was a blue leather couch in the corner and some clothes hanging but other than that there was nothing. That surprised Louis, he had the ideation that all singers had glamorous and decorated rooms.

“Don’t mind the sad energy of the room, we were just keeping Harry company until you arrived.” Liam spoke up and Louis hadn’t even realized that Harry was laying on the couch with his head in Zayn’s lap while the latter stroked his hair. Louis felt his heart tug as he watched the green-eyed doe quickly wipe away a tear. 

“What the fuck is he doing here?” Harry practically spitted out and glared at Louis. That was a quick mood change.

“H, he’s just here for rehearsal, chill.” Liam said and gave Louis an apologetic look.

“I don’t fucking care, why is he in my dressing room?” Harry sat up and Zayn frowned at the younger boy. Louis didn’t understand why Harry didn’t like him. No one else in the group had a problem with him. 

“I can wait outside, I probably need to start rehearsing anyway.” Louis suggested and starting backing out. Niall nodded his head and decided to go with him. He led him to where their choreographer was waiting. They didn’t need much choreography but the shows would be a mess without him.

“I’m sorry about Harry, he can be a dick sometimes.” Niall apologized.

“Yeah, I can tell.” Louis scoffed. He had always gotten bad vibes from Harry, even before they met. “But you don’t have to apologize ‘cause it’s not your doing. I’ll try to leave him alone.” Niall nodded and then quickly started talking about something ridiculous and Louis was grateful for his sociability.

Rehearsals went on until the day before they were set to leave for Bogotá. Louis had become extremely close with the group, especially Zayn. Harry still treated him cold and acted like an asshole, but Louis learned to ignore it. Louis was feeling confident in himself and how he was going to perform. He knew the nerves would return when the show was starting, but he felt calm. He had started writing a song as well, which he hoped to preform on the first show.

He and the boys, except Harry, were all having a drink at Liam’s place. They left tomorrow evening and they didn’t plan on getting black-out drunk, but it was nice to relax.

“This is our first stadium tour, I can’t fucking believe it.” Niall said with a shocked look on his face. He was 4 beers in and somehow he was still acting somewhat normal. Louis wished his tiny body could tolerate alcohol like that but he was content with the beer he was sipping.

“It hasn’t even been 4 years yet, but it feels like it’s been forever.” Zayn said. Louis could only imagine having that much success, so quickly and so young. Louis has been preforming at small gigs and writing songs since he was 14 and it wasn’t until last year that he finally got his name out there. He wasn’t jealous of the boys, he knew how difficult their job was, but he does wish he had gotten his job that easily.

“I can’t believe Harry didn’t come tonight.” Liam added.

“He had a meeting with Simon, there was no way he would’ve skipped that.” Zayn mumbled the last part to himself. This confused Louis; he had heard the boys talk about Harry and Simon but he didn’t understand quite what was going on. It was obvious that the boys did not like Simon, he was a scary man, but something seemed different with Harry. Louis didn’t want to ponder on the topic too long, not wanting the skinny brunette in his head.

The night remained like that, calm and nice. Louis arrived back at his little flat that he owned on the outer parts of London and finished packing before hopping into his bed. He tossed and turned, though, feeling the nerves creep their way into his system. He was about to go on tour with One Direction, a fucking stadium tour. He had a strange feeling about it all but knew that at the end of the day, his life was about to change.


	2. your imperfections are quaint

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: implied sexual assault, bulimic tendencies, panic attack

They had all arrived in Colombia early in the morning. All the boys could not stop talking about how excited they all were, but Harry just remained quiet. He does that a lot, just observes and listens. The boys tried to get him to talk but he never would say more than a sentence. It was sunny and beautiful in Bogotá and there was exactly 36 hours until the show. Harry used to love performing but now that fire has burned out. It seems like all the fires that were once alit in Harry had burned out and there was only a tiny candle left. The candle was close to the end of the wax and Harry just seemed to be staring at it, waiting for it too to burn out so his suffering would be over. He wish he could pinpoint when he started feeling like this.

They all arrived at the hotel and were in two cars. Liam and Niall were in one and Zayn, Louis, and Harry were in the other. Zayn and Louis had talked the whole ride from the airport, which bothered Harry beyond belief. He didn’t like Louis. He didn’t have a reason about why he didn’t like Louis, but he just didn’t like the way he made him feel. Harry felt nervous around Louis but Harry covered that up with hate so Louis would stay away.  
There was a crowd outside of the hotel entrance. Harry felt his heart rate rise, he hated crowds and didn’t feel like dealing with it right now. Zayn must have notice Harry become anxious because he rested his hand on his shoulder and squeezed it.

“H, you get out first and then I’ll help Lou through.” Zayn said to Harry. Harry turned and looked at Louis who also had a nervous expression. Harry had forgotten that he was not used to this, but honestly it wasn’t something you can get used to.  
Harry hesitantly opened the door and Paul was leading him through the crowd of screaming girls. Harry kept his eyes on the ground and just let Paul lead him. He felt a hand lay on his back and he knew it was Zayn. Finally, they were safely in the hotel and Harry let out a breath. He was still feeling incredibly anxious.

“That was fucking mental. You lot are so popular, it’s insane.” Louis ran his hand through his hair with a light and shocked look on his face. He didn’t seem that shaken up about the whole thing.

“Yeah, you never really get used to it.” Zayn smiled and then fixed his gaze on Harry, who was frantically looking around and fidgeting with his rings. Zayn knew those were the warning signs of a panic attack and quickly became worried.

“H, you okay, bud?” Zayn steadied Harry’s hands but that didn’t stop the anxiety. Unfortunately, Zayn was being called over by Paul and the latter looked stern.

“Take care of him, please.” Zayn whispered to Louis with a pleading look. He just nodded and Zayn ran over to Paul. Niall and Liam were in the bathroom, leaving just Harry and Louis.

“Hey, hey, let’s sit down.” Louis said when he noticed Harry’s breathing picked up. Louis recognized it as a panic attack but didn’t know if Harry would let him help.

“Breathe in and out, copy me.” Harry was shaking and pulling at his hair. Louis grabbed his hands and putting them on his chest. “Harry, feel my breathing. Copy it.” Harry was trying, he really was, but he didn’t like Louis touching him and was feeling even more anxious. He started hyperventilating and crying. He pulled his knees up and put his head between them. Zayn arrived hurriedly.

“I’m sorry, he wasn’t comfortable with me.” Louis said to Zayn, nervously. Zayn just waved him off and Louis decided to take that gesture and go get his room key.

Zayn was trying extremely hard to calm Harry down but none of his methods were working.

“Haz, you’re going to pass out, please try to ground yourself.” Zayn pleaded. He was asking Harry questions but he wouldn’t answer. He lifted Harry’s head from his knees and put his hands on his chest and back, helping him with the motions of breathing. Finally, Harry was starting to gain his breath back.

“Good, H, just like that,” Zayn said, encouragingly. Liam and Niall were back from the bathroom and were worriedly watching the situation. Louis had never seen an attack that bad, having seen his sister have them sometimes. It made his heart hurt, seeing how painful it look.

Once Harry had gotten his breathing patterns normal, he broke down in sobs. Paul intervened and scooped the young lad up and told the boys to go to their rooms. Paul was carrying Harry to his own. Harry hated panic attacks and was terrified of them. The boys followed Paul to the elevator and made it to their rooms quickly.  
Liam and Niall were sharing a room, Zayn had his own, and Louis and Harry were sharing one. It wasn’t a great arrangement but had to work for them. Liam and Niall had requested a room together, saying they were working on a song together, and Zayn almost always got his own room. Louis didn’t mind sharing with Harry but he didn’t know how Harry would feel.  
Louis open the room’s door and Paul walked in and put Harry on the bed closest to the windows. He loved being by the windows and it normally calmed him. Louis had brought Harry’s suitcase up for him. The other lads had said their goodbyes, even though they’ll be meeting in an hour for rehearsals. Paul pulled Louis by the arm to the bathroom.

“Look I know Harry doesn’t like you and I’m sorry if he acts cold to you, but I think you could be good for him. I’m not gonna say anything but he needs someone. Sure, the boys try to help him but they’ve been shut out by him. I know that you care for him, even if he doesn’t reciprocate it. So please try and help him.” Paul spoke and Louis listened intently. Harry was a complete mystery to him and acted nothing like the media portrayed him as.

“I’ll do my best but I can’t make any promises. He has to be willingly let me help.” Louis said and Paul nodded. He patted Louis’ shoulder and then exited. Louis quietly made his way out of the bathroom and heard quiet sobs.

“Harry, are you okay?” Louis hesitantly asked.

“Why are you here?” Harry choked out. He sounded so broken and lost. Louis wanted to cry just from hearing it.

“We’re roommates…” Louis cautiously said, not sure how he would take it. Harry shot up from his bed.

“What the fuck are you talking about? I am not sharing a room with you.” Harry shouted and rushed out the room and ran over to Zayn’s door, banging on it.

“Harry, wait,” Louis came after him. Zayn opened his door and his eyes widened.

“What’s going on?” He asked.

“I’m not sharing a room with him, I refuse. Why would you approve that?” Harry yelled. Zayn was used to this. Harry was a lot angrier now and days. Zayn didn’t really know why, only knowing it was mostly management.

“Look, Harry, Ni and Li wanted to share a room and I happened to get a single. I can switch with Louis but I think you need to get to know him.”

“Like hell I’m going to get to know him.” Harry scoffed. “I’m going downstairs to get my own room.” And with that Harry marched to the lobby, leaving Louis confused and Zayn frustrated. He loved Harry, he did, but he could be dramatic sometimes.

“You should probably get ready for rehearsals.” Zayn said to Louis, who just nodded and trudged back to his room. This was going to be a long tour.

Harry ignored the boys for the rest of the day. Niall and Liam didn’t know exactly what happened but they had heard Harry shouting in the hallway. Harry didn’t care about sharing a room, but he would not share a room with a stranger. He didn’t like Louis and he wasn’t going to start.  
Zayn had tried getting him to talk but it was pointless. Harry just needed to calm down and soon he would be fine and good as new. Louis felt bad, feeling like he caused the tension, but Liam told him that Harry acts like this often. Quite frankly, Louis did not like Harry now. He was selfish and stuck-up, like seriously, you won’t share a room with someone you are going on a 6 month tour with?  
Harry had gotten his own room and went straight there after rehearsals, paying no attention to the invites from Niall to get beers. Harry couldn’t afford to get beers, but they couldn’t know that. Plus, he really didn’t want to be with them right now.  
He had a text from Simon waiting for him when he arrived at his room. Harry’s heart dropped, feeling scared. Simon always texted him but it never got an easier. He was asking for the number, of course he was. Harry sighed and went to his suitcase to get the thing he hated most. Harry set it down and patiently waited. The number appeared and he felt tears spring to his eyes. He could not send that to Simon. Simon would send someone for Harry to be taken care of. Harry got on his knees in front of the porcelain toilet and began his daily routine of suffering. Once he was done, he tried for a new number. It was only a little lower but Harry reluctantly sent it to Simon and prayed it would be enough. Please let it be enough.

The next morning the boys were up too early for their likings. With it being the first show, they had to do a lot of prepping today. They had three sound checks before the show and were trying to prepare themselves for the long day.  
Louis was beyond nervous but the boys were reassuring him that he would be great. They were all sitting in the hotel breakfast area, talking about tonights show, and trying to distract Louis from his nerves. Harry still wasn’t downstairs which worried them a little. They were meant to leave in a few minutes and Harry would normally be down here by now. Last night, Zayn had heard banging on Harry’s door at 2 in the morning. Zayn assumed it was management, maybe complaining about the room situation but he couldn’t be sure.

“I’m going to go and see if Harry’s ready.” Zayn announced and then quickly made his way to Harry’s room.

He arrived and knocked harshly on the wooden door, he could've gotten splinters from the intensity of it. He waited a few seconds and then started knocking again. After a minute, Harry opened the door. He was dressed in a oversized long-sleeve that used to fit him perfectly and baggy boxers. His legs were awfully skinny and bony making them look even longer. Zayn could’ve sworn that Harry was a 10 year old right then and there. His doe-like eyes were weary and he had a scared look on his face. Despite him being the tallest in the group, he look so so tiny.

“H, why are you still in your pajamas?” Zayn softly asked. Seeing Harry like this made him forget about the fight they got in yesterday.

Harry tried to answer but it came out a croak, his throat burning. Zayn’s eyes widen and he stepped into the young lad’s room. It reeked of vomit and Zayn tried to not let it show that it smelled.

“When?” Zayn asked. If Harry’s voice was that messed up, it must have been a bad session, meaning he did it multiple times. 

“L-l-ast n-night, t-thi-s m-or-n-ning.” His voice was hoarse and starchy. It sounded terrible, to be blunt.

“Oh, Haz.” Zayn pulled him into a hug but Harry pushed away. Zayn tried to not act offended. Zayn knew of Harry’s "food struggles" but he didn’t know just how bad it was. Harry told him he only ever did it if he felt like he ate to much or to satisfy management; of course that wasn't the truth, though. The other boys didn’t know after Zayn promised not to tell anyone. Harry didn’t see it as a big deal, though.

“I-i’m f-f-f,” He couldn’t finish his sentence because of the sobs that escaped his lips. It hurt so bad. Not just his throat, but his thighs, his once innocent body, and his heart, and everything was just so painful.

“Who came by last night?” Zayn asked, carefully.

“J-J-John,” Harry finally got out through the tears and pain.

“Did he do anything?” Zayn quizzed even though he knew he wouldn’t get the truth. Harry just reluctantly shock his head. That, too, was a lie. Of course John did something, after the tuber Harry sent to Simon, he knew that punishment was coming. John was just doing what Simon couldn't. Zayn sighed and went to pick out Harry an outfit, telling the shivering boy to brush his teeth and hair.

Harry’s hair was becoming long, just like he had begged Simon and management to allow him. It cost him a lot, but it was one step closer to being himself. Right now, though, his hair was greasy and lifeless, even some pieces falling out, but he would never let anyone know that. He quickly brushed his teeth and Zayn convinced him to get in the shower while he called Paul. Harry closed the bathroom door and silently and painfully stripped. He didn’t want to look at himself in the mirror, worried about all the fat and scars he would see. He quickly washed himself and his hair and dried off as fast as he could. He was trying to prepare himself for today. He had to act like the normal Harry everyone knew and loved. Simon threaten a lot last night, considering the number was disappointing, and it’s the first show. If he wasn’t a happy, ball of energy, he had a feeling there would be a repeat of last night.

Zayn had put his outfit in the bathroom and he saw what was picked out. A green mid-length sleeved shirt and black skinny jeans. A floral headscarf to go with it, another thing he sacrificed for. He became nervous knowing that the jeans didn’t fit. He didn’t have time to fight so he slipped them on and watch how they tried to slip off. He just sighed and finished getting ready, trying to just get this day over with.


	3. balancing on breaking branches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally some clarity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // implied eating disorder, drug use, implied abuse

Louis had been pacing for what seemed like hours, trying to calm his nerves that seemed to be taking over his senses. This will be the biggest performance he has ever done and might ever do and he has no idea how he actually made it here. Last year at this time, he was dropping his first single, praying just one person would listen to it. He was going on in 10 minutes and the boys had been doing everything they could to calm Louis down. Louis would occasionally do a vocal warmup or practice a note but other than that he is just mumbling nonsense to himself.

“Lou, don’t get yourself worked up, you’re going to crush it.” Liam gently said, resting his hand on the older man’s shoulder.

“I know, I know, but this is huge. Like literally the craziest thing I’ve ever done.” That’s probably not true, considering Louis lived a very scandalous uni life, but he was dramatic.

“The nerves go away right when you step on stage and see the crowd cheering your name.” Liam said and Louis imagined a stadium full of his amazing fans. That was his dream and he was so close to it, he knew that there was nothing to fear. But even with that knowledge, he was still nervous.

“Zayn, will you please just shut the fuck up!” The two boys turned at the shout and there stood a fuming Harry Styles. 

“Harry just eat the damn sandwich! You are going to pass out on stage if you don’t.” Zayn shouted back, carrying a pathetic looking sandwich. Liam sighed and Louis just continued to look at the endeavor, confused on what was going on.

“I told you, I already ate.” Harry grumbled and looked Zayn in the eyes. Zayn wasn’t intimidated, knowing that Harry wouldn’t hurt a fly. 

“Well, I’m sure you threw it up, anyway, so…” Zayn yelled and Harry’s eyes widen and he just stormed off. Now Louis was even more disorientated; was Zayn implying that Harry Styles had an eating disorder? No, that couldn’t be the case, Harry’s ego is too strong for that, Louis thought. Harry was probably sick and didn’t want to eat because he’ll just throw it up. That seemed much more logical.

“Harry’s always getting sick. Throws up a lot. I think it’s because of all the travel.” Liam confirmed Louis’ theory and Louis just nodded. Then all of a sudden he was being called to take his place. He look at Liam with a frazzled expression.

“You got this. They love you. You’re going to kill it.” Liam encouraged and hugged Louis. Niall came running out of nowhere and started showering Louis with luck and Zayn did the same. Louis felt a newfound confidence and nodded firmly before letting out a breath and making his way to stage.

The beginning of Miss You blared as Louis showed up on stage, making the crowd go wild. Liam was right, seeing all the fans doesn’t make you nervous, it makes you feel invincible. Louis was surging with adrenaline, feeling like he was high. As the song went on, he started to get more comfortable and confident, interacting with the fans up front. He felt absolutely incredible.  
The set continued on and he tried to talk to the crowd as much as he could; he only knew a little Spanish but anytime he opened his mouth, the crowd lost it.

“Okay, so this next song hasn’t been released yet, but I just finished writing it and I wanted to preform it. This is Kill My Mind.” The song started and he was nervous to preform it but the crowd seemed to love it. Louis didn’t noticed the lean shadow, lurking behind the backstage curtain, subconsciously admiring the older man. Harry felt drawn to him, like a fly to a flame. Louis turned to where Harry was standing, as if he could feel the stare and winked at Harry. Harry froze and immediately looked away, but he didn’t move. Louis had such a strange affect on Harry; Harry felt completely and utterly nervous and different around him, he didn’t know what was happening. 

The concert had just finished, Louis had been watching the boys from the crowd, having weaved his way through in between his set and the boys’. They were truly amazing performers, but so unique. They were a huge mess, always making up dances and talking to the crowd as if they aren’t at a concert. One thing Louis noticed though is the switch that seemed to be flicked inside Harry. He was a completely different person on stage, acting all quirky and bubbly. It was nothing Louis had seen before, not aware of that side of Harry. He realized that it was definitely an act, and it hurt him to see Harry have to act so fake. That was the Harry that was on the X-Factor, the one that the media ruined, but they couldn’t know they ruined him so he acts the same, like he’s not hurt. Louis doesn’t know how he can see through the facade, maybe it’s because he sees the way Harry acts out of the eyes of the world. But Louis is hit with the feeling of want-wanting to help Harry find his old self. But maybe that’s pointless and plus Harry would never let Louis do that. 

All 5 boys were making their way back to the hotel, where they would pack up and then get on the tour bus, making their trip to Peru. Louis knew he was going to have to get used to this busy schedule, but he honestly enjoyed being busy. He had spent so long waiting and watching the world go by, now that he has the opportunity to be non-stop, he feels so lucky. But he’s not blind, and he sees how exhausted the boys are. They’ve been doing this non-stop for 4 years, album, touring, interviews, promo, hell they even have their own movie. Louis hoped that he wouldn’t get worn down by this job, he wanted to enjoy it.  
Once they were packed up, they discreetly left the hotel and were safely on the tour bus. It was just how Louis had pictured it and he was ecstatic. Ever since he was a kid, he’s wanted to experience the tour bus life. He just hoped the beds were comfortable.  
Harry walked straight in and went to his bunk, not even acknowledging the other boys. This made Louis remember why he didn’t like Harry very much. The other boys just shrugged and Niall instantly went to get food and insisting on playing Mario Kart. Louis agreed but went to go get situated first. Harry was out of his bunk and pulling something out of his bag. It looked something, like a scale.

“What’ya got there, buddy?” Louis teased but Harry just hid it behind his back.

“Tell anybody about this and I will kill you.” Harry tried to be stern but it just made Louis laugh.

“Well, Zayn did say that you wouldn’t even hurt a fly, and honey, you are not intimidating at all.” Louis smirked and stepped into Harry’s face. Despite the younger boy having a couple inches on Louis, since he was so tiny and skinny, he looked so small. He just bowed his head as if accepting defeat.

“You’re not scary,” Harry mumbled, still looking down at his feet, which were now turned inward. Louis wanted to coo at the look of it.

“Really? You don’t seem confident about that…” Louis retorted and put his pointer finger and thumb under Harry’s chin, lifting it. “You might act tough but I know you’re not.” Louis walked past him, purposefully hitting Harry’s shoulder. He doesn’t know what came over him but he felt good, standing up to Harry. He wasn’t scared of him, but Harry was a dick, that was so ego-centric it made Louis want to pull out his hair.

When Louis finished unpacking and finding his bunk, Harry was gone, having locked himself in the bathroom, ready for his nightly ritual, but Louis assumed that he had scared him off into his bunk. Although it did make Louis feel confident, it also made him feel like a dick. He wasn’t going to be walked all over, though, so he just shook it off and went to play Mario Kart.

The next couple of weeks were like that; Louis being absolutely in love with performing, bickering between him and Harry, and late tour bus nights. Today, they woke up in Rio de Janeiro and Louis was beyond stoked. He has been dreaming of visiting here forever. It was the boys’ first time here, too, which made it even more special.  
They had an off-day and they all agreed they wanted to sight-see, but when you’re the most popular band in the world in a big city like this, that’s not really easy. Somehow though they had come up with a solution; a bread van. Trust me, Louis had no fucking idea what that was, but he was excited either way.

Louis was waiting for his turn in the bathroom, needing to get ready for the day. He had knocked 10 minutes ago and Harry, who was occupying it, had said he would be right out. Well, he lied. Louis was becoming annoyed, just wanting to shower, having not done it after last night’s show. He went to knock again on the tiny bathroom door.

“Harry, god, can I please just take a shower?” Louis shouted through the door. Zayn, Niall, and Liam had already gotten ready, them just chilling in the lounge, waiting to get to their destination.

“Hold on,” Harry croaked out, sounding broken. Louis felt a pang in his heart. Louis went into the lounge.

“Does Harry always take this long?” He asked the boys.

“Yeah, he normally does when he gets sick,” Niall stated without even looking up from his phone.

“It seems like he gets sick every goddamn morning.” Louis ran a hand down his oily face, oh how he longed for a shower.

“He just has bad carsickness.” Liam assured but Zayn seemed to be biting his tongue. Louis narrowed his eyes at the gorgeous man but Zayn just turned away quickly, distracting himself with his phone. 

Louis went back to wait at the door and as if on cue, Harry walked out. He looked absolutely horrible. His dark under eyes were prevalent, his bones were poking out in every way possible, and he seemed to have a slight limp, as if his legs were sore.

“Wow, you look like shit, surprise you didn’t spend your time trying to get decent in there.” Louis spitted out and as soon as he said it, he regretted it. He watched Harry’s contort into a unbearable painful look, as if he’d been stabbed. Louis was about to apologize but Harry just walked away, acting different than normal. Harry would’ve snipped right back at him, normally, but today he seemed out of it. Louis brushed it off and reminded himself of the nice shower that awaited him.

They arrived to the place where the bread van would be waiting. Niall would not shut up about how excited he was and Zayn just kept rolling his eyes, fondly. They cautiously jumped out of the bus and scurried to the van, not wanting to be caught by fans. Their driver introduced himself and they climbed in the back with Ben and soon were on the road. It was bumpy and soon, Zayn pulled out a blunt.

“You did not!” Louis laughed and Zayn just wiggled his eyebrows. The brunette immediately took a hit of it and past it around. Everyone but Harry took a hit, which confused Louis, him assuming Harry would be all over that shit. Harry was acting strange today, though, seeming very distant.

Soon enough, the boys were feeling the high and could not stop laughing. Ben was cracking up as well, filming the endeavor, knowing that fans would eat this up. Finally, they were arriving at Christ the Redeemer, which was the main sight they wanted to see. Their highs weren’t as strong but still there, which made Jesus look even more real.  
Walking around looking at the statue, Louis was enthralled with everything about it. It was definitely because of the weed but he still saw how beautiful it was. Harry had separated himself from the group, although Paul told him not, too, and somehow Louis ended up right next to him.

“It’s amazing, innit,” Louis gaped and Harry just looked at him weird. This was the first somewhat nice and normal thing Louis has said to him in weeks.

“Yeah,” he whispered, looking back at Jesus. For some reason it made him want to cry. It was so big and grand and everyone loved it. They worshipped him and people came to Rio just to see it. Harry felt jealous of the love a statue could receive, while he was starving for some recollection of love. He hadn’t even noticed a tear dripping down his cheek until he felt a soft hand wiping it away. Harry looked at Louis and something in him made him want to break down. So he did. And to be honest, it scared the shit out of Louis. Louis was high and was touching Harry and now Harry was clinging to him for dear life, sobbing. Louis was suddenly brought out of his high, and immediately started dragging Harry back to the van. Harry and Louis both had hats and sunglasses on, trying to as discreet as possible so they quickly pushed their way through the crowds, Harry’s face still pressed to Louis’ neck.

The van was in view and Louis let out a sigh. He knock on the driver’s window and motioned to open the back. The driver took in Harry’s state and nodded vigorously while frantically opening the doors and then closing them once Louis and a clingy Harry climbed in. Louis sat down and Harry fell into his lap.

“Harry, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.” Louis whispered in a bewildered tone. Harry just sobbed harder, fisting Louis’ shirt in his hands. Louis was absolutely swamped with ideas of what happened. All he said was the statue was beautiful and now Harry’s having a full-on break down. 

“Haz, you got to talk to me.” Louis tried to sound sweet, because despite his relationship-or lack of-with Harry, he could tell the boy needed someone. Badly. He started running his hands through Harry’s hair.

“You hate me, you don’t care,” Harry mumbled and squeezed his eyes shut, tears still be able to leak through.

“No, no, I know we got off on a bad start and still fight, but I do care and I don’t want to see you look so…broken.” Louis cooed, feeling a strange need to protect and cherish the boy in his arms.

“I’m sorry, Lou, I’m so sorry,” Harry cried and quickly pushed himself out of Louis’ arms. He started to rock back and forth, having a deadly gripped on his hair.

“Hey, hey, love, you got to calm down,” Louis tried to pull Harry’s hands away but he just held even tighter. Louis was worried he was going to rip out his hair.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Harry kept repeating it and Louis had no idea what to do. He started rubbing Harry’s back but he flinched. “Please don’t hurt me.”

Louis felt his heart drop to his feet. Yeah, him and Harry were definitely not friends, but he would never hit him. This made Louis, anxious, knowing that something must of happened to the broken boy before him that made him like this.

“I swear, I will never hurt or hit you. Harry, please let go of your hair.” Louis again tried to take his hands away and they actually complied. Louis let out a sigh of relief and held the huge hands in his own. “I know we aren’t friends but I’m sorry for everything I’ve done. I’m a dick.”

“No, it’s my fault, it’s all my fault. I’m sorry,” Harry cried again and Louis brought him into his arms, Harry not flinching away, but instead relaxing into the touch. He has never felt like this while being touched.

“Sure, you said some things and were incredibly defensive at the beginning, but there was a reason for that. Am I right?” Louis gently asked, once again, running his hands through the curly locks. Harry nodded and Louis just held him tighter.

“Can we start over?” Harry whispered and Louis softly smiled.

“Yes, I would like that.” Louis pulled away and stuck out his hand. “Hi, I’m Louis Tomlinson.”

Harry giggled a little and wiped his tears, shaking Louis’ hand. “I’m Harry Styles, nice to meet you.”

“Wait, Harry Styles, as in Harry from One Direction? As in teenage heart throb? As in every girl’s wet dream?” Louis exaggerated. Harry just rolled his eyes and Louis smiled at him. Harry hadn’t noticed just how hot and stunning Louis was. With his ocean blue eyes, and sharp cheekbones, Harry was kinda disappointed he had been so stuck-up for so long. 

The two were interrupted from their moment by the van doors being opened. Liam, Niall, Ben, and Zayn climbed, looking highly confused.

“What the hell’s going on here?” Niall asked and Zayn looked at Louis, scarily.

“I swear, if you hurt him, Tomlinson, I’ll hurt you.” Zayn stern voice made Louis a little tense but Louis held his arms up in surrender.

“I promise, I didn’t do anything.” Louis said and looked at Harry, but Harry was busy playing with his fingers. 

“Well, are you guys good now? Work out whatever shit you had?” Niall asked causing Liam to turn and look at Louis. Harry looked up and locked eyes with Louis. Louis felt enchanted by the green eyes that laid before him. They seemed so hurt and lifeless but they had to have once been full of life, just like Harry.

“Yeah, we’re good.” Louis said still with eyes locked with Harry’s, not wanting to ever leave the forbidden forest that lied within them.


	4. i wish i could give you my set of eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's slipping, badly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // implied sexual assault, self-harm, bulimic tendencies, mentions of eating disorders, brief suicidal thoughts
> 
> i just want to preference that i am not romanticizing any of these very serious issues. i have dealt or am dealing with multiple of them and find comfort in writing about it, like i'm not so alone. if you are dealing with any that is mentioned in the chapter, please reach out. it can be to me or someone near you but i don't want more people suffering from it alone. i find it easier and more artistic to find other ways to mention it or bring it up, rather than just bluntly stating it. just wanted to but this disclaimer out there so people wouldn't assume anything.

Harry could feel himself slipping deeper into a dark abyss that it seems like he just got out of. Tour had only been going for a week and he simply was falling apart at the seems. After Louis caught him with the scale, he had become extra careful with his late night visits to the bathroom. He had a routine down; wait until the boys are asleep or at least in their bunks, turn on shower, tear apart his larynx, tear apart his thighs, rinse off all his shame, pray it’s enough for Simon, and wait until tomorrow to repeat it all again. Though, he has been carrying his tiny best friend around with him so anytime he needs release, all he has to do is go to the bathroom, no matter where he is.

The boys didn’t notice, knowing Harry went through these cycles, but Zayn had started nagging Harry more. From making him eat to not letting him be alone for too long. Harry was slowly losing his patience and will to live and Zayn was just adding to it all.

“Harry, if you don’t eat your food, I will take away your phone.” Zayn commanded one day when it was just him and Harry on the bus, the other boys had stopped to get snacks.

“You don’t have the authority to do that.” Harry mumbled while picking at his food. Harry has always struggled with food, even when he was younger. He used to get bullied for the little pudge he had on his stomach and when he was 11, he stopped eating. His mom, Anne, became extremely worried but in order to get her off his back, he would eat and then throw it up afterwards. This only lasted a few months until they moved houses and he wasn’t being bullied anymore. He had started working out that way when he started eating again, he wouldn’t gain the weight back. He would go on 5 hour runs, on the verge of passing out multiple times, just to feel good about himself. But soon it became about the control he had. 

When he was put in the band, he felt so happy for those months they were on X-Factor, that he didn’t even think of those problems. But then reality hit when he realized he’d gained weight, and so the cycle began again. Now here he was 4 years later, fading away before Zayn’s eyes. Zayn had believed that Harry just got sick a lot or didn’t have a big appetite, but now he saw that it was something more. 

“I sure as hell do. I’m older, smarter, and if my best friend is struggling, I can help. Reading all those hate comments obviously isn’t doing you any good.” Harry scoffed at that. Zayn really thought that this all started because of some hate comments. Sure, they did get to Harry but his eating disorders have been a problem long before that. He has been going on a run everyday once they get to their destination, but his body can’t take it. He’s either starving himself or making himself throw up but he doesn’t see results. Simon also wouldn’t be very happy if his number started rising. Simon would just punish him more and Harry doesn’t think he can handle that.  
This bickering between the two continued on but ultimately got nowhere. Zayn didn’t know how to help Harry because he was really just making assumptions about the situation. Maybe Harry wasn’t lying and he was just reading too far into it. 

The morning that they arrived in Rio was terrible. Harry hadn’t slept a blink. The number he sent Simon last night was too high and he sent back that “someone is coming to take care of you.” Harry knew it would be in the early morning and couldn’t even close his eyes, he was so scared. He had been doing so good. He was drop numbers 2 at a time, but yesterday Zayn forced him to eat breakfast and then he had no time to flush it away so when he did his routine last night, it was ineffective.   
Their was a knock on his bunk at exactly 4:13 a.m. from Paul. Harry hastily pulled the curtain away and Paul told him John needed to talk with him. Harry just nodded and slipped out of the bunk, feeling woozy.   
He made his way out of the bus and saw John waiting for him. They were in front of a hotel where management was staying. Harry quickly walked to the entrance, not wanting to upset the man and silently prepared himself. He didn’t want this but it had to happen.

He had crept back on to the bus at 5:22 a.m. and quickly got into running clothes and bolted out of the bus. That was the hardest he had ever run, even though his legs, and arse were on fire. Tears were blurring his vision but he couldn’t let them escape.

When he got back an hour later, Liam was already up and making his way to the bathroom. They were sight-seeing today; Harry didn’t know how he could do anything today. He wanted this all to end, everything; the abuse, the hurt, the numbness, his life. His thoughts had been going to that last one a lot lately, he used to be scared of them but now he invites them. 

After everyone was done, except Louis who still wasn’t up, Harry locked himself in the bathroom and immediately shoved his fingers down his throat. There was nothing in his stomach but he didn’t care. After that he greeted his best friend and destroyed his legs. He used to destroy his arms when he was bullied and at the beginning of the band, but Niall found out and begged him to stop. He did stop, well, he stopped destroying that part of his body. The scars still remain, though faint, so he tries to keep them under-wraps.

After his legs were now a dark red, he got into the shower. It took him awhile to actually started cleaning himself, him just standing under the water, feeling numb. He heard a knock on the door and he shouted that he’d be right out. He turned off the shower, dried himself off, staining the towel, and then looking at himself in the mirror. He saw how his eyes were sunken in, how his skin looked transparent, how his eyes looked bruised from lack of sleep and nutrition. But he still saw fat and ugliness. But in reality, his ribs, collarbones, hipbones were begging to break out of his skin, his stomach sunken in from how thin he was. The number last night was 102.3 which was a pound heavier than the night before. It played loops in his head, making him only be able to hyper-fixate on it. He heard a loud bang on the door and Louis yelling at him, he hadn’t realized he’d been staring that long. His life felt like he was slow motion, but just he was. Everyone else was moving normally, fast even, but he was stuck, barely able to start his day without it already be night.

How the hell could he allow himself to do that? He let Louis hold him and comfort him. Louis saw him cry and freak out. He thought Louis made him nervous but truly Louis made him feel safe. Something that he hasn’t felt in so long that it’s foreign to him. That’s why he kept him pushing away, and now him and Louis were…friends? He didn’t know for sure, but Louis stayed with him for the rest of the day, actually getting him to talk and let loose. He was so unsure of what was happening and he wasn’t blind, he saw the boys’ confused stares. He felt like he was in some alternate reality.

“Psst, Harry,” Harry heard Louis whisper at 1 in the morning. Harry had finished his nightly ritual about an hour ago and has been laying in bed staring at the ceiling ever since. He thought that everyone was asleep but obviously he was wrong, considering the boy who sleeps above him is now whispering his name.

“What?” Harry whispered back, very confused on what the older boy was doing. 

“Let’s go into the lounge.” And all of a sudden, he heard a loud landing on the wood floor, knowing Louis had just jumped off. He then opened Harry’s curtain.

The Donny lad looked particularly beautiful right now, Harry thought. His hair was messy from the bed and his eyes were vibrant. He didn’t even look tired.  
Louis helped Harry out by scooping him up bridal style out of nowhere.

“Louis, stopppp,” Harry whisper yelled, worrying that he was too heavy for the smaller boy.

“Holy shit, you are as light as a feather. I’m pretty sure my dog weighs more than you.” Louis laughed and then set Harry down on the leather couch.

“Shut up.” Harry mumbled and subconsciously wrapped his arms around his torso. “Why are we in here, anyway?”

“Because if we were to talk in there, we would probably wake the boys.” Louis said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “Plus, I couldn’t sleep. I’m too amped up for tomorrow’s show.”

Harry looked at Louis and saw the joy he resinated and it made his heart hurt. He wish he was that full of life and that excited about preforming. He had lost his passion for music a long time ago.

“Why are looking at me so sad?” Louis questioned and his face softened causing Harry to look down at his lap, not being able to take the cuteness and embarrassment.

“It’s nothing, just tired.” Harry once again mumbled and Louis just sighed. 

“How many siblings do you have?” He asked out of nowhere, which took the younger doe-eyed doll by surprise.

“Erm, one,” Harry coughed. “An older sister.”

“What’s her name?” Louis turned so he was facing towards Harry and propped his head in his hand that was resting on the top of the couch.

“Gemma, she’s 3 years older than. At uni right now.” Harry hesitantly copied Louis’ actions and was now facing Louis but with his eyes still casted down.

“Man, you’re lucky. I have 4 younger sisters with twins on the way. I don’t know why my mother puts herself through it.” Louis chuckled and shock his head. Harry looked up with a surprised look on his face.

“I can’t even imagine how loud your house is.” Harry quietly responded, willingly himself to let his guard down a little.

“Trust me, I lose my hearing every time I visit. I used to live there but after uni, I moved into an apartment in London, so I don’t get to see them as often.”

“Where do they live?” Harry asked and felt himself becoming more comfortable.

“Doncaster. I grew up there. Me mum and step-dad have talked about moving, but me mum’s too attached.” Louis looked so proud to be talking about his family. It made Harry’s heart hurt once again knowing that his relationship with Anne was very broken; all his doing, though.

“I’m from Holmes Chapel. Mum still lives there and Gems lives in Manchester.” And that’s how the rest of the night continued, the two boys talking about themselves and everything under the sun. They hadn’t even noticed how long they had been talking before Liam walked out of the bunk area in his pajamas.

“What are you two doing up this early?” Liam asked, highly confused. He was always the first one up.

“Oh, wow, we were talking a lot longer than I thought.” Louis looked down at his watch and Harry just blushed beside him, feeling embarrassed.

“Well, I’m glad to see you two getting along.” Liam put simply and went to make himself some tea. Louis and Harry looked at each other and then got up from the couch.

“Sorry for keeping you up, I hope you don’t feel too tired for the show tonight.” Harry shyly said, playing with his fingers and looking down at his feet.

“Don’t worry, love, that’s why caffeine is a thing. Plus, it was worth it.” This caused Harry to look up and see Louis softly smiling at him, causing Harry to mimic it. Maybe Harry can get out of the darkness before it’s too late, but it’s a lot more complicated than that.

The boys had a 12 day break which didn’t seem much like a break at all. They were writing and recording the whole time needing to get their album ready and finished. The first few days were fine, normal, but then it all went to shit.

Now that Harry was alone and could do whatever he wanted, he hadn’t been eating. His rule is simple: Eat an apple every other day, drink water constantly and use the bathroom constantly, purge for at least 30 minutes every night, and don’t let the number drop. He was also continuing his running routine, per usual. He is lucky that he doesn’t have any meetings planned with Simon for the break, yet. But if he messes up and someone complains, he’ll be done for it.

It was day 4 of recording and today Louis was coming in to help with writing, being the lyrical genus he is. Last night had not been a good night for Harry, at all. He had accidentally broken his rule and had an orange and that orange immediately became orange juice. He purged non-stop for hours. He was coughing up blood, but he wouldn’t stop, him being so upset with himself and the fear of raising the number. His voice was shot. He could barely say a single word and when he did, it sounded like radio static.

When he arrived at the studio, he remained quiet which wasn’t unusual for him. But when Louis arrived, he knew he was going to have to talk. Him and Louis were becoming inseparable which scared Harry, not wanting him to find out about Harry’s habits.

Louis plopped down on the couch and brought Harry into a hug.

“How you doing, bub?” That nickname gave Harry butterflies and Louis has been using it all the time. 

“G-g-o,” Harry tried to croak out a response but it died and caused him to fall into a coughing fit. Louis pulled away and looked worriedly at Harry. His voice had been perfectly fine yesterday and now it wasn’t even there.

“What’s going on with you, Haz?” Niall asked was he walked into the studio, in the middle of Harry’s coughing fit. His throat was burning and Harry felt like it was closing up. Swallowing felt like glass was tearing through his larynx. He felt the tears go down his cheeks but he didn’t totally register it until he felt a hand wiping them away. It felt like deja vu.

“Love, what’s going on?” Louis asked softly, rubbing Harry’s arms up and down. Harry just shrugged as more tears fell and he put his face in his hands. Louis frowned and pulled the fragile boy into his arms. Louis noticed that Harry was freezing and oh so skinny. Louis always just thought that’s how Harry’s body was.

Zayn walked in and was instantly taken aback. He gave Louis a questioning look and Louis just mouth, “his throat”. This caused Zayn’s eyes to widen. Zayn had been worried that with Harry being alone now that he would get worse. Of course, he really had no idea what Harry was actually doing to himself. 

Harry pushed away and cleared his throat. He was the first one today and he had a lot to sing. He wished the writing session was before recording so his voice could have time to rest but that wasn’t the case, because the producer came out of the door where the recording was happening and called for Harry.

Harry gave a scared look to Louis and Louis knew that Harry wasn’t going to be able to sing.

“Is there a chance that Harry could make this up tomorrow? Stay later or come earlier? His voice is shot.” Louis saved Harry’s ass. The producer looked a little hesitant but nodded.

“Yeah, I’ll just let management and Simon know.” The producer said and then asked for Niall. Harry was frozen, though. He was going to tell Simon. No, no, no, no, that can’t happen. Because Simon always tells him how precious studio time is and not to ever waste it. Then Harry remembered; he forgot to send his number last night.

His breathing picked up and he grabbed his hair, he quickly left the room and ran to the bathroom, glad he remembered his best friend this morning. He was hyperventilating by the time he got to the bathroom and could faintly hear someone calling his name. But he didn’t care. He rushed into a stall, feeling breathless and dizzy and pulled down his pants, instantly digging his best friend into his thigh. It was deep but he didn’t care and he didn’t care when he heard the bathroom door open. He had made 3 deep cuts until he was brought out of his panicked haze by banging on his stall door.

“Haz, please let me in.” It was Louis and Harry immidetatly starting crying but he brought his hand to his mouth to muffle it, using the other one to continue his art. “It’s really not a big deal that you can’t record today, I promise. Simon won’t care and will understand that you’re sick.”

Harry shock his head, even though Louis couldn’t see. He didn’t understand that Simon will care and will punish him. He wanted tonight to be peaceful-or as peaceful as a night with purging can be-but now that’s ruined. He let out a whimper when he accidentally cut too deep.

“Oh, bub, please let me in,” Louis said again and rested his head on the stall door. Harry quickly dabbed his art with some toilet paper and pulled up his baggy pants. He slowly unlocked the door and it creaked open. He was still crying, not just from worry but from the burning on his leg. Louis suffocated Harry into a hug, whispering sweet nothings into his hair.

“How about we go get some tea? There’s this really good and secluded place just around the corner. Would you like that?” Harry’s head nodded against Louis’ neck, his curls tickling Louis’ face. Louis brought Harry over to the counter and got some paper towels wet, wiping Harry’s tears so they wouldn’t stain. Louis was scared about just how broken Harry looked. Louis knew Harry had some skeletons in his closet that maybe when he was comfortable enough, he would share, but this seems like there’s a lot more going on. Anytime he asks any of the boys, they either don’t know as well or claim that Harry’s been through a lot. Louis knew that he couldn’t just “fix” Harry but he could help, and he wanted to help. He’s not blind, he sees how Harry has slowly been deteriorating right in front of everyone’s eyes, and no one’s doing anything about it. So he will, but he just hopes it’s not too late.


End file.
